


Save Me

by a_scholar



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Jealousy, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-04 06:51:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14014608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_scholar/pseuds/a_scholar
Summary: "I'm happy for you," Adam says, glad that his voice sounds bright. "I can't wait to meet—" He was supposed to say 'your man', but the words just don't come out.(Warning: Read the notes at the beginning.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> While it says Sauli/OMC, you know me, I would never write something that doesn't end well. However, this is still an exercise for me in thinking about them eventually being with other people.
> 
> Short chapters, short overall, and no quick updates promised because I'm going to be busy for the next 2 weeks. It can also be very uncomfortable for me to be writing about a subject like this set in the "real world", but I'll try to cope and finish this. Still, the setting makes me want to write a disclaimer that this is purely fiction, not what I believe will happen or what the real people are thinking/feeling, and no offense is meant. :'D

Adam glances over the message he's finished writing to Sauli and hits send.

> Hi babe, everything good? Sorry I've been so busy. Are you free right now? Facetime?

The reply comes right away.

> _That's ok, don't worry. I can't right now, maybe later. Going to movies with someone._
> 
> Someone? ;)
> 
> _A guy. I've met him a couple of times. It's kinda early but I guess it's good that you know. He could still turn out to be an asshole. Wish me luck ;)_
> 
> Aww you should have told me! Is he hot? I'm sure he's gonna go wild for you.
> 
> _He's pretty hot :P_
> 
> Nice! Good luck. Talk to you later.

Adam looks at his phone for a while, but when no new messages come through, he starts scrolling Instagram. Has Sauli started following anyone recently? It's impossible to remember if he's seen anything. The phone remains silent.

It's been a while since he's gone to see any movie himself. It's too late to ask Sauli which movie they've chosen to see on their date. Sending any more messages would make it look like Adam isn't able to leave Sauli alone. Besides, it might be a Finnish movie. Is the guy Finnish? Probably. Well, could be a foreigner living in Helsinki. Maybe not even living there, maybe just visiting. Like Adam did.

He's scrolling through his contact list, getting more and more agitated. Why is there no one suitable to go see a movie with? Everyone is either uninteresting, already taken, or too much in the friend camp to consider as a date. Eventually he decides that actually, he doesn't really even feel like spending energy in trying to be interested in some random guy and acting flirty. Not wanting to be alone either, he asks Terrance to go to movies with him later.

He keeps checking his phone during the day, noticing there's no sign of Sauli on Whatsapp or Instagram. It's already really late in Finland. Maybe the date ended at the guy's place. Which is none of Adam's business. Whatever this uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach is, be it jealousy or envy or loneliness, he knows it's totally uncalled for and stupid. But he also knows it's normal to feel like this. Most people are affected in _some_ way when they hear their ex has... When their ex has found someone new. Could possibly be about to find someone new.

Things should feel better tomorrow. It's always the worst on the first day of trying to adapt to a new situation.

\---

It takes over a week before they talk properly. It's a late morning in Los Angeles when Adam takes a seat in the shade on his backyard, Pharaoh on his lap.

Sauli's face appears in the phone, looking a bit sleepy. Adam takes in the sight, wavy and messy blond hair, a faint smile on Sauli's lips, bare shoulders. Sauli's wearing a sleeveless top.

He swallows. ”Look who I have here,” he says and tilts the phone so that Sauli can see Pharaoh.

The blue eyes light up as Sauli starts talking to Pharaoh in a mix of two languages.

Adam was feeling kind of nervous before making the call, but the sound of Sauli's accented voice calms him down.

”I miss him so much!” Sauli says.

Adam doesn't know how to respond, and it creates an awkward pause. He scratches Pharaoh's soft ears while Pharaoh tilts his head at the phone, tail wagging rapidly.

”I'm sorry we haven't talked before now. I just—” Sauli brushes his fingers through the tousled blond hair. ”I know we have our agreement to not get weird if one of us starts dating, but I just thought I shouldn't talk to you so much right now, you know?”

”No, I get it. It's completely understandable that you wanna take some distance and not be talking to your ex all the time, when you're getting to know someone else. Even if we _are_ friends. It's fine, really.”

Is he coming across passive aggressive? He doesn't mean to.

”Do I sound bitchy?” he asks with a laugh before Sauli can get a word in. ”I honestly don't mean to, sorry if I do.”

Sauli laughs, but then looks at him in a funny way. ”Are you okay?”

”Of course! Are you happy?”

The corners of Sauli's mouth turn up, even though he looks like he's trying not to smile, eventually laughing a little.

”Yeah, I guess I am,” Sauli says softly and glances away. 

Is he not certain? The thought makes Adam's heart beat faster, but he's trying very hard not to take delight in the thought, trying not to be the worst person in the world. Sauli could just be shy about the newly found lo—

Adam clears his throat.

”What's his name?”

”Roni,” Sauli says with a smile. ”He's not jealous about you. Well, he says he's just a little jealous, but like, in a normal way. We can joke about it. He trusts me, and he's not insecure. Besides, he's had exes, too. He knows it can be complicated, and also that people can stay friends.”

”Good. That's good,” Adam says. ”And I remember our agreement. Backing off now. Just friends. No behaving weirdly, no trying to make the other one jealous, and always being nice to the new guy.”

That's what they had agreed upon, back when they had decided to be intimate with each other for as long as it felt good to both of them and no third parties were involved. Now that there's a potential boyfriend around, and someone more serious than a short fling, things need to change according to their agreement.

”Yeah. Thanks. You probably don't know what he looks like, but I'm not going to post any pictures of us yet, maybe not for a long time.”

Of course Adam already knows what Roni looks like. He knew the name, too, and pretending that he didn't has left a bad taste in his mouth. He's already doing what they'd agreed not to: acting weird. Sauli doesn't follow Roni on Instragram, but it hadn't taken that long for Adam to find him, going through Sauli's friends' accounts. There had been no pictures that would make anyone suspect anything, but Adam had known what to look for, and he'd spotted a new guy in some group pictures. He just knew it to be the guy.

In the pictures Roni appears to be taller than Sauli, but maybe not as tall as Adam. Muscular, possibly even more of a gym bunny than Sauli. Clearly someone who really enjoys working out. At least his muscles are bigger than Sauli's, although he doesn't look like a wrestler or anything, just a really fit guy. Poses without his shirt a lot. Tattoos on his arms and upper body. Hair that's neither blond nor brown, blue eyes but not as striking as Sauli's. A really open look in his eyes, a huge smile. Shaved clean in the newest pic, but in some older ones sporting a beard. All in all looking very masculine and not like he has a flamboyant bone in his body. Adam could have mistaken him straight based on his Instagram.

Roni also has a dog, which is really annoying.

Adam feels almost self-conscious suddenly, sitting there not long after rolling out of bed, wearing the first t-shirt he'd happened to find. He probably looks like crap. He remembers noticing slight shadows under his eyes when he'd been washing his face earlier, but he hadn't thought to do anything about it before calling Sauli. Although why should he? Whether he looks good to Sauli or not is totally irrelevant now. These stupid thoughts really need to quit popping into his head.

”Oh, and Roni totally understands that I'm not going to make any announcements or anything, and when we post pictures some day, the comments are going to be terrible. He's prepared to not give a fuck,” Sauli says laughing.

_We._

”Sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders and he really wants to be with you. I'll have a word with my fans if it gets nasty.”

”Yeah, he's really sweet,” Sauli says scratching his stubble. ”And thanks.”

There's a slight pause in the conversation. He's going to kill Sauli if Sauli now asks whether Adam has met anyone recently. _How's_ your _love life?_ But the question never comes. He should have trusted Sauli not to be that lame. They're not _those_ people.

Friends, just friends. It might take a while before Sauli and Adam meet each other again face to face, and it will happen with a third person present. It's going to be so different. He can't imagine going away on a holiday with Sauli—no, of course not. Stupid. The physical relationship is out of the question, but somehow he can't even see them hanging out with just the two of them anymore. Walking Pharaoh together, or playing a peaceful game of chess. But maybe Adam and this Roni guy will get along, and they can all spend time together, in some capacity.

”I'm happy for you,” Adam says, glad that his voice sounds bright. ”I can't wait to meet—” He was supposed to say 'your man', but the words just don't come out. Even thinking about them feels so bad, surprising him. ”Roni. It would be nice to get to know him.”

Sauli gives a short laugh. Everything is weird again, and that's what really makes him feel bad.

”Are we being awkward?” he asks.

”Yeah, we are.” Sauli is giggling now, which feels better.

”Let's not be awkward,” Adam says.

”Okay. You know I love you, right?”

”I know. Love you, too.”

After the call ends he mulls over things for a long time, petting Pharaoh who's fallen asleep next to him. What would it be like to meet Sauli and Roni? Probably strange at first, but it could also make things easier. Especially if the new guy is likable. They could become friends, right?

Luckily he can't feel any desire for Sauli anymore. It's impossible to even imagine kissing Sauli, because he knows Sauli wouldn't want to be kissed by Adam. Even though the last time they kissed was only a couple of months ago. That's gone now. There's another man Sauli wants, another man whose touch he wants. And that just kills any desire. Even the memories are tainted now. It's good, it means he's getting over Sauli.


	2. Chapter 2

Adam looks at Sauli, who's lying on the bed entirely naked, legs slightly spread and arms crossed behind his head. He's staring at Sauli's hips, fascinated by the clear line there between pale and tanned skin. He wants to kiss it, so he does, bending his head close, except he's not Adam, he's someone else. When he's trailing his tongue along the tan line, it's actually Roni's tongue, and it's Adam-as-Roni who moves his body to lie on top of Sauli, pressing their hips together.

Now he's looking at the scene from the outside, seeing Sauli and Roni on the bed, becoming more separated from the body on top of Sauli's the more aware he becomes that he's dreaming.

Adam wakes up, heart beating fast, aroused and hard.

He slides his hand under the blanket. The scene is so clear in his head that it's impossible to picture anything else. It's kind of fucked up and painful, but at the same time arousing to think about. So he thinks about Sauli and Roni moving against each other, thinks about the other man sucking Sauli. Pushing inside without a condom, unlike in the sex Adam and Sauli used to have, unable to what with not being in a monogamous relationship. The expression on Sauli's face when the pleasure is just too much, the guy's hips pounding...

He kicks the blanket to his knees and spends himself over his stomach, biting his free hand and back arching off the bed.

The physical release leaves him emotionally vulnerable, as if it has somehow opened a channel through which an intense ache is now rushing to his chest. A heartache that feels like physical pain, even though he can still feel the pleasurable echo from the orgasm.

The ache comes in sharp waves and he bursts into tears.

Shit. _Shit._

Why the fuck does this keep hurting so much? It doesn't make any sense. They weren't together, and it has always been a possibility that Sauli would be the first to find someone. It's actually a miracle it hasn't happened sooner, considering what a catch Sauli is. He knows the likely reason for that is that he's been too important for Sauli. While the thought has always brought a kind of gratification, the fact is that Adam isn't the most important person in Sauli's life anymore.

Tears are sliding down his cheeks. He takes deep breaths to get the sobbing under control. When was the last time he cried like this?

Selfishly he wishes things were back to what they used to be. That Sauli would be there for Adam whenever he needs it. That Adam would be the one Sauli turns to for support.

It used to feel like this sometimes, back when they were still together but due to travelling were separated from each other and Adam was missing Sauli like hell. It used to feel like this physical ache every time he was thousands of miles away from Sauli, but was struck with an intense need to have Sauli in his arms.

This is a million times worse, because there will be no relief to it a day, a week, a month from now. Not anymore.

The tears dry on his cheeks as he looks at the ceiling, trying to become numb to everything.

Wow. He hasn't been thinking about Sauli and Roni that much lately, effectively blocking them from his mind. Both him and Sauli have been making an effort to act normal, though, keeping in touch. But it's been hard, Adam too aware of Roni's existence every time he's talking to Sauli, even though Sauli doesn't mention his boyfriend any more than is normal and necessary. But as the weeks have gone by, Adam has noticed that he can't really think of Sauli as a separate person anymore. They're a unit in his mind now, Sauli and Roni.

He wipes his hand on his belly. Pokes at the softer parts, no washboard abs visible.

So many traits that Roni possesses are ones that are lacking in Adam. That body, for starters. Roni definitely likes sports more. Very likely he's always on time. He just seems like that kind of a person. He's probably a better cook. Probably doesn't leave empty dishes on tables. Definitely doesn't spread his makeup and nail polish all over the bathroom. Probably doesn't lose his temper over stupid things. Definitely understands all the Finnish things that Sauli talks about. Most certainly has more time for Sauli than Adam, even though Adam doesn't know what Roni does for a living. Maybe even has a bigger dick.

”Can you just kill me now?” he asks. ”I'm too pathetic to live.” 

Pharaoh doesn't move a muscle, sleeping on his back on the other side of the bed.

Or maybe Roni just knows how to use his better. In a way that Sauli likes more. Sauli is probably more satisfied by the sex with Roni than what he was sometimes having with Adam. No, definitely. Sex is always more satisfying with the person you love more than anything. When you know you're accepted and loved. When you want to make that person feel good, when that person's enjoyment makes your heart glow.

Shower, now.

Being away from L.A. has helped to get his mind off things, having places to go to and meeting new people. Coming back to the empty house reminds him of old times, and that's probably what has prompted the dream.

On his travels he's slept with two guys. The first one was a mistake, and he knew it as he was doing it, but he still hadn't stopped, not even when he'd lost his erection at one point. He wasn't feeling it at all, only prompted by the idea that he should be having sex with someone instead of really wanting to. It hadn't been good, probably for either of them. With the other guy it was better and they'd hooked up for a second time, but it was still nothing special. On the first night Adam had even forgotten the guy's name. Both encounters had made him feel old.

No rush to get laid here at home, but hopefully he can find someone he has more of a spark with, the next time he feels like it.

After stepping out of the shower he notices a message from Sauli.

> _We've been thinking of coming to L.A. for my birthday. Roni's never been, and he keeps saying how much he wants to see it. Especially because I love it so much. And he wants me to get to celebrate with my L.A. friends. He wants to meet them. You too, if you're around and want to._

That's an unnecessarily long explanation. It sounds like Sauli is trying to justify the idea. Does he think Adam doesn't want them there?

> What a great idea! Of course I want to meet him. We can have the party at my place, you can invite all the friends you want.

After sending it he realises it's probably really weird to even suggest having a birthday party at your ex's place, but Sauli's reply arrives fast, saying it would be nice.

He should make sure people know Sauli has a new boyfriend. So far Adam hasn't bothered telling it to other than his closest friends whom he sees constantly. It could be pretty awkward at the party if people don't know, and wonder who Roni is.

\---

They agree to go out for a dinner at first, the night before the party. Adam is bringing Joey for emotional support, as well as to steer the conversation if it starts going into a strange direction. Joey is one of his more rational yet emotionally intuitive friends. Plus Joey's had fairly recent experience of a relationship ending. While Terrance for example is fun company and always supportive, he can be rather too protective of Adam, and might blurt out something not so diplomatic. Danielle on the other hand has already met Sauli and Roni, and for some reason Adam feels like it's good to have someone there who doesn't know Sauli that well, someone more neutral.

So difficult to choose what to wear. After changing four times he eventually goes with black leather trousers and a burgundy shirt, tucking it in and leaving a few of the top buttons open.

”Hair up or down?” he asks Joey while adding more eyeliner.

”Down. Adam, are you sure this is the song you want to be listening to right now?” Joey asks.

He listens to the lyrics. ”Too depressing?”

”Girl.”

”Pick another, then.”

He styles his hair so that it's artfully messy over his forehead. Hopefully he doesn't look like he's trying too hard, but then, he's always making an effort when going out. Not doing so would be weird.

”Are you okay?” Joey asks when they're on their way to the restaurant, Adam driving because he wants a reason not to drink too much. ”I mean, I know it's been so many years since you broke up, and it's not like both of you haven't had other people. You especially, I'm sure, you rock star. But... You've been pretty tight. And this seems like the first time someone serious comes along.”

”I'm fine,” he says. ”We had a plan in place for something like this. We're friends, it's all good.” He glances at Joey and gives him a smile.

Joey is silent for a while.

”You know, you could take some distance, if this is too hard for you. Even let the whole thing to. People don't have to stay friends with their ex if it's too draining.”

”But it's Sauli,” he says. He can't really explain it any better than that. ”Of course I want him in my life. And I'm fine! It's been weird, sure, but nothing I can't handle.”

\---

”Hi, Adam.”

Sauli looks good. A bit of stubble on his cheeks, curly hair getting really long. Wearing a black polo neck that clings to his body.

Having decided to wear a permanent smile for the evening, Adam grins and leans close, hugging with only one arm around Sauli's shoulders.

"Hi, Sauli!"

Something like cheek kisses follow, more like cheek to cheek and kissing the air.

This isn't right at all. It's not how he should be greeting Sauli, but there's no way he can correct it, even if he yearns for a warm, long embrace.

Aware of being looked at, he turns his attention to the man standing next to Sauli.

”Hello, I'm Roni. It's so nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.” It's the familiar accent, maybe stronger than Sauli's.

Adam follows Roni's cue and shakes the offered hand firmly. A strong grip but not overtly so.

”Likewise,” he says, even though that's not true. ”It's so nice to meet you. I'm happy you guys decided to come.”

Everything feels surreal. The man is indeed a bit shorter than Adam, the voice surprisingly low. The shape of his muscled shoulders and beefy chest is apparent under a blue dress shirt. One arm goes around Sauli's waist.

Whenever there used to be more people at dinner than just Sauli and Adam, Sauli's place was always next to his.

Now Sauli takes a seat across from him but next to Roni, with Joey beside Adam.

Sauli is studying him while they go over the menus.

Adam makes a face, sticking his tongue out from the corner of his mouth and crossing his eyes.

He receives a cute grin and a small kick against his leg. Sauli then turns to Roni, whispering something in Finnish.

”Alright then, friends and exes and new friends,” Adam says. ”Should we raise a toast for these two?”

\---

The dinner goes fine. Since Sauli doesn't shy away from mentioning things that happened back when they were together, Adam doesn't either. Roni looks totally comfortable with everything, laughing and asking questions. Not at all bothered that Adam and Sauli have once dated. Not at all bothered that his boyfriend's ex he's having dinner with is someone famous. Is it even strange for Roni to see the tattoo on Adam's hand?

He feels weird about asking the usual questions: what Roni does for a living, how did the two of them meet, so on and so on, but luckily Joey saves him and does it for him.

It feels like they're all doing their best for it not to be awkward. Although maybe that's just him. The others seem relaxed. Adam is the one who's trying not to look into Sauli's eyes for too long, because his heart feels like it's coming out of his chest; trying to look like he's just happy about everything, and not notice when Sauli and Roni smile at each other, or when there's the brush of fingers against the arm.

Later when he's coming back from the restroom, he sees Sauli lingering outside.

”Hi,” Sauli says and smiles. 

Adam puts his hands in his pockets and steps a little closer.

”Hi.”

”What do you think?”

”He's nice.”

Sauli rolls his eyes.

”Have you been replaced? Tell me what you really think.”

”I do think he's nice,” he says with a giggle. ”He's not giving any bad vibes. Seems super sweet. You two look like a... Like a good match for each other.” He tries to decide what his honest opinion of Roni is. ”I like him more than I thought I would. But you don't need my approval.”

”But I do,” Sauli says. ”And not just about this.”

Oh. It's an epiphany, realising that he needs Sauli's approval just as much. Not concerning every detail in his life, but the important things, the bigger picture. When he tells Sauli about the things he's done or plans to do, it's not just to share information about what's going on in his life. He needs Sauli's approval, to Sauli to be proud of him. To say 'you're doing good', even wordlessly. Does Adam give back as much?

”I think you've chosen well. I think you're going to make each other happy.”

He looks as Sauli takes in a deep breath and exhales it slowly.

”Thank you,” Sauli says. ”Can we talk more? I mean, not now, but in general. Call and text more. I've missed you.”

”Yeah, okay. Sure.”

He's smiling at Sauli, but it feels like heavy work, and he's afraid that if he tries to keep it up for any longer, Sauli will accuse him of looking like a robot.

”I think we should...” He nods at the direction of the dining room.

”Yeah. I'm gonna...” Sauli points at the bathroom.

”Okay. I'll reassure your boyfriend,” he says and squeezes Sauli's shoulder briefly in passing before walking away.

He doesn't know how to touch Sauli anymore. What are the rules and boundaries? How can he touch Sauli as if Sauli is just another friend, when that's not how it is?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I would take my time with this fic, but I felt so bad seeing that I've caused suffering, so I decided to hurry up a bit. ._. I increased the chapter count, one more probably shorter part coming.

The party is in full swing, music playing and people talking happily. Not that it's a huge crowd, just their closest mutual friends and most of Sauli's L.A. friends. Every time new people have arrived, Adam has made sure to greet them and be there for the introductions, before leaving Sauli and Roni to chat and disappearing elsewhere.

He's coming back from upstairs after feeling like changing clothes, when he's stopped by Johnny.

”No, that's not good. Go back up and change.”

”What's wrong with this?” he asks looking down at his clothing, a black skirt-and-pants combination and a sparkly sweater.

”What's wrong with it?” Johnny puts his hands on his hips, looking like he's prepared to give a lecture, his voice going high. ”Your ex is in the house with a new man. Honey, you need to show off your assets. Those are the rules, I didn't make them. Doesn't matter if you're not even trying to win him back. You gotta show off that cute butt. And all the rest.”

”Oh, for...”

”Up, up! And change the shirt, too! More skin!”

Shit. It's just that he would feel more comfortable covering himself up. He doesn't usually feel this self-conscious, most of the time confident in his own charisma and able to accept that he just doesn't look the same as someone who works out all the time.

The black ripped jeans with fringe will have to do, he knows he fills those jeans out nicely. Not wanting to go sleeveless, he picks a black shirt with a pattern of tiny white dots, and rolls the sleeves to his elbows.

Downstairs Johnny blows Adam a kiss, but then comes close and opens one more button of his shirt.

”I'm really not trying to seduce anyone here,” he whines. ”I'm not that guy.”

By anyone he means Sauli, of course. He can just imagine how hurt and angry Sauli would look if he tried any of that now. Plus he'd probably get a fist into his face from Roni.

”I know, but you don't want to look like you think your ex has upgraded. Hot and confident, that's the look you wanna go for.” Johnny gives him an appraising look. ”The makeup is on point, though. Makes you stand out.”

Terrance is in hearing distance and approaches them.

”Hey, if you wanna make this night go smoothly, don't get yourself into a situation where you're alone with Sauli. You two have always had too much sexual chemistry between you. That shit his dangerous,” Terrance says, raising his eyebrows and giving him a pointed look.

Right, hot and confident, avoiding Sauli.

He rejoins the others, going from group to group with a drink in one hand and a smile on his face, making sure everyone is having fun.

Sadly he can't even pet Pharaoh for comfort, because Sauli is also walking around carrying Pharaoh in his arms, chatting with people.

Sauli probably doesn't realise it himself, but all night long he's been behaving almost as if he lives there. Knowing where everything is located, tidying things up, even getting Adam's handheld vacuum and cleaning up after someone breaks a glass. Sauli has stayed there at Adam's new place only once. But that was for over three weeks. A happy time. Part of him thinks Sauli would behave this way even if the place was unfamiliar—because of the intimacy they've shared living together, because at one point everything that was Adam's was also Sauli's.

There's been cake, and singing, Adam unable to resist and belting it out.

Sauli has refused any strong drinks, sticking to lighter ones and by the looks of it getting only a little bit tipsy. Consciously regulating his drinking that much at a party is unusual for Sauli, and Adam doesn't know if it's Roni's influence, or just special to this evening.

It would almost be easier if there was something wrong with Roni, if he seemed like a jerk, rude or too controlling or anything. But of course Adam wouldn't want anyone unworthy near Sauli. And Roni seems like a genuinely good guy, if a bit boring in Adam's opinion, kind of out of place among his more eccentric friends. However, he should have known Sauli wouldn't waste time on an idiot.

The happy couple is sitting together on the sofa now, Pharaoh still on Sauli's lap. Adam is secretly pleased that Pharaoh is ignoring the strange man and looking suspicious, even though Roni tries scratching behind the ear.

His mind flashes to lazy mornings spent in bed, giggling together over how furiously Pharaoh is making a nest, playing with him.

Roni is talking into Sauli's ear. How easy it must be for them, never having to deal with a language barrier. No misunderstandings, no feeling unable to find the right words and just giving up on saying anything, no getting frustrated because of not knowing what the other one is thinking. But then, he wouldn't mind that. He wouldn't mind solving misunderstandings, he wouldn't mind waiting for as long as it takes for Sauli to find the words. He wouldn't mind communicating with a look or a touch. They often did just that.

Sauli gives Roni a lingering kiss on the cheek.

Looking away, Adam spots Alisan and Carmit staring at him, but he just smiles and acts clueless before turning away. He knows what their opinion is.

\---

At one point he's the kitchen when Sauli enters it giggling about something, scratching his abdomen through his sleeveless shirt. There's no one else there, and for a second Adam feels like a deer in headlights, but then he relaxes. He's not going to do anything stupid even if he's alone with Sauli for five seconds.

He leans back against the kitchen counter and they look at each other, Sauli's eyes almost electric blue in that light, before Sauli smiles and reaches past him, a hand on Adam's bare arm as he puts an empty bottle on the countertop.

It's like they've entered a private space, their bodies moving naturally around each other's. Kind of like they're suddenly existing in another time, years ago, and he wants to stay in that moment, to catch it and turn it into reality.

Sauli's skin looks so fresh and freckled. The ends of his hair curled up. The low cut armholes of his muscle top reveal the tanned skin all the way down his sides.

Adam was wrong about the desire, among other things.

It makes his legs weak, and before he can prevent himself he's remembering what it's like to kiss those lips. He imagines just grabbing Sauli and lifting him to sit on the countertop, imagines licking into that mouth, putting his hands around that waist, pushing his face against Sauli's crotch, and no, he needs to stop because there's heat coursing through him.

The way he's looking at Sauli is too intense, and he knows it even before it's confirmed by Sauli's expression turning more serious.

”Don't.”

He's not going to feign ignorance.

Terrance may have been right.

”Sorry. I didn't mean to.” He turns to open the fridge and smiles. ”Do you want another drink? Are you having fun? Is Roni having fun?”

”Yes, and yes and yes,” Sauli says laughing. ”It's really nice to see everyone. Thanks for doing this. You didn't have to.”

”Of course. That's what friends are for.”

\---

Later there's a bunch of them gathered together, listening as Danielle recounts one of her hilarious mishaps. Roni and Sauli are sitting close to each other, and when the story reaches the climax, Adam sees Sauli burst into laughter and instantly search with his gaze until he spots Adam, grinning.

Adam's own laughter dies on his lips.

That's such a classic thing to do. To instinctively look at your significant other when you're laughing, to want to share laughter and be connected.

Now it really hurts, and he needs air.

After escaping to the solitude of a balcony he gets to enjoy it only for a little while before Sauli finds him there.

”You okay?” Sauli asks.

Adam is standing there with his arms crossed, staring ahead and not trusting his voice, feeling a tear slide down his cheek into his beard. He can't wipe his eyes, he'd ruin his makeup. Sauli's hand starts stroking his back.

”I know, I know,” Sauli says.

”I'm sorry,” he whispers.

”No, I'm sorry. I thought this might be a little hard for you, but I wasn't sure.” After a moment Sauli chuckles. ”We did so well with our first breakup. What's up with this one?”

That makes him laugh. ”This really is like a second breakup, isn't it? At least I'm acting that way.”

”I hope I'm not hurting you,” Sauli says. ”I mean—sorry, I guess it's a little... What's the word? Like, I presume too much if I think you would be hurt by this.”

”Come on. Of course I'm going to feel things. I did love you like crazy.”

”Yeah,” Sauli says, sounding pleased, like it was a lovely thing that happened. ”I guess it's hard to forget something like that entirely.”

_I need to let you go. You're with someone else now._

”We're still friends,” Sauli says removing his hand. ”You can talk to me anytime you like, about anything.”

”It's not the same anymore, though,” he says, probably sounding like a petulant child.

”Maybe not exactly, but it's going to be okay. We're okay.”

”I always—I always—” But no, he's gone too far already.

”What?”

”Nothing.”

”Tell me.”

”No, it's nothing,” he says and tries to pat his cheeks dry. ”I'm so happy for you.”

”Maybe it was a mistake coming here.”

”No, no, no. I'm glad you came. It's been nice to get to know him.” Although now that he thinks about it, he hasn't even talked with Roni that much.

He wants to hug Sauli, to thank him for checking up on him, but he knows he can't right now.

”Let's go, I'm sure he's missing you already.”

\---

After lots of people have already left, he hears Sauli's voice talking in Finnish. Roni, however, has fallen asleep on the couch in another room, still tired from jetlag, and there are no other Finns present anymore. That means Sauli must be talking on the phone.

Sauli is sounding pretty unhappy, actually. Then Adam hears his name. Twice.

If there is a hell, he is going straight to it, but without thinking about it deeply he creeps closer, takes out his phone and starts recording. After noticing Sauli has his back turned to him, he leaves the phone there out of sight.

He picks up Pharaoh, who's about to go into the room in search of Sauli, and walks away silently, without any real idea of what he would do with the recording.

Later he goes to retrieve his phone, after even Sauli and Roni have gone. He'd finally received that all too brief hug, feeling Sauli's arms around his waist.

\---

A couple of days later he's listened to the recording countless of times.

The sound of Sauli's voice talking in Finnish would otherwise be soothing, but Sauli sounds distressed, even though he also laughs several times. He's pretty sure Sauli is even in tears at one point.

It's frustrating that he can only understand a few familiar words, like thank you and what and wonderful, but that doesn't help to make any sense of it. His own name is mentioned several times.

He needs to know, he just needs to. There are a couple of people he could ask this favour of, even though it would be terribly awkward for many reasons. They could refuse and get angry with him, but he doesn't think they would tell Sauli.

An e-mail is sent, in which he tries to explain himself to the best of his ability, the audio file attached to it. Now he just has to wait.

In the meanwhile he goes for a brunch with Sauli, Roni and Danielle, wishing Sauli and Roni a wonderful holiday in Cabo before they would return to L.A. for a short while yet, before flying back home. Afterwards he escapes quickly so that Danielle can't catch him.

The reply comes eventually, and he breathes out when he sees how long the e-mail is right away: the audio has been translated.

> _Adam, you know this is really messed up. But I'm doing this for you anyway, because I care about you, and I trust that you'll to do the right thing with the information you'll receive from this._

His gaze starts flying over the translated words of one side of a conversation—no, he needs to hear Sauli's voice at the same time. So he puts the recording on and tries to match the translated sentences with Sauli's voice.

> _I don't think we should have come here, or at least not yet. Maybe like after a year of being together with Roni. No, we're still at the party, he just fell asleep. I just needed to talk to someone for a little while._
> 
> _Sorry about pouring my heart out to you, but I feel like... Like I can't breathe when I'm in the same room with Adam. I think it's messing with my head seeing him and being around him._
> 
> _I know I've told you a million times I'll never get completely over Adam, and right now it's so hard to remember the feelings I have for Roni... And it's terrible, because Roni is being so wonderful. He really is. Doing his best to make sure I'm feeling good. Not every guy would be willing to even meet their boyfriend's ex, let alone accept an ongoing friendship, you know?_
> 
> _Yeah, you don't need to remind me. I know. I know we're never getting back together. Roni is the best thing that's happened to me since forever, you're right._
> 
> _What, a list? You want me to list all the things? Okay, okay. Yeah, maybe that will help. Okay, he's a lovely person. He's pretty hot, he's really built. I can go to the gym with him. He's a dog person, he's funny, he likes the same stupid TV shows, he… I know, yes, puts up with my crazy shit._
> 
> _But he's not—he's not—_

And that's where Sauli sounds like he's about to cry.

> _Sorry. I know. I know that no one can be. And Roni is wonderful just as he is. I get to have both, isn't that great? A dear friend in America and a wonderful boyfriend in Finland. Of course strictly a friend from now on, obviously. I'm not going to cheat on Roni._
> 
> _Adam? Oh, you know. I can see it's weird for him. He's saying all the things and behaving exactly like you would expect him to, really supportive, but it doesn't sound entirely genuine to me this time. I don't think Roni has noticed anything. Adam cried a little earlier, but I think he might be drunk. And I understand completely even if he's a bit jealous. I mean, we did still have a physical relationship the last time we saw each other, so this has been a big change in our relationship as well._
> 
> _What? No! No pretty boy to try to make me jealous. He doesn't need to do that, he's not that childish._
> 
> _Yeah, I know. I'm sure he'll be alright._
> 
> _I know, I really don't want to, but I know I should stop talking to Adam so often. Not completely, of course, but less. It's not good for anyone. No, even the thought feels awful. Like a part of me is dying. But I guess that part of me needs to die, right?_
> 
> _Okay, fine. Love is never wrong, I know. I just think I should be loving my boyfriend a bit more, and my ex a bit less, you know?_
> 
> _Yeah, remember all the things I have from Adam? The stuff he's given to me or I've taken from him. I should put it all into a box somewhere. I'll still have the tattoo to remind me of the old days. Yeah, I know, at least until Roni tells me he can't stand it anymore! I don't know that he'd ever say that. Maybe if we get married, exactly._
> 
> _I should really go now. Thanks for listening, you're the best._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I shouldn't delay posting this chapter. <3

In a short period of time Adam goes through such a range of emotions that it's hard to say whether he feels good or bad after reading the e-mail.

Oh, _baby._ He closes his eyes. _My dear. You say you can't breathe when I'm in the room._

A warm sensation spreads inside him, as if his heart is filling with something warm. It's almost an ache, but a sweet one.

Sauli is saying that he's never getting over Adam. Practically saying that he loves Adam too much, right? That as wonderful as Roni is, he's not...

He actually needs to lie down on the sofa, to curl up and bury his face in his arm, holding the phone tightly in his hand. To let the feeling sink into his body and savor it.

To be honest, every time he's seen Sauli, he's been perfectly aware of both of them still having some feelings. It's been there in each kiss. It's impossible to be intimate with someone and not know. But Sauli still having strong feelings for Adam? Now, even after being with Roni for months? That comes as a surprise.

If only Sauli was there right now and Roni didn't exist. Adam would open his arms and pat the sofa. They could spoon, Adam's arm wrapped heavily around Sauli and Sauli holding his hand. Sauli would be wearing shorts, like Adam, so their bare legs would be entwined. Sauli could fall asleep, and Adam could listen to the soft rhythmic sounds of his breathing.

But reality isn't that simple.

He reads the e-mail again.

Sauli sounds so anguished, so conflicted. Adam never wanted to cause any disturbance in Sauli's life, and he feels such empathy, sorry for Sauli's inner turmoil.

The short elation, the hot possessive thought of Sauli's heart still beating for him is starting to get replaced by the realisation that Sauli has made his choice. Right now Sauli isn't there with Adam, but in Mexico with this boyfriend. Maybe lying on the beach, all tranquil and happy now that Adam is out of sight again.

Having feelings for Adam doesn't mean that Sauli would want to actually be with him. Clearly Sauli cares about Roni and they have a good thing going on.

The more he thinks about it, the crazier if feels that Sauli would ever consider Adam, despite the confusion or nostalgia or whatever it was that seeing Adam brought to the surface.

What could he even offer to Sauli? Weeks and months of loneliness when he's away touring? Dating someone who's in the public eye, someone whose attention so many people want... It puts a lot of strain on the relationship.

Although, had it not been stress-free when they were together? Even though there had been some stress and uncertainty with his career at the time, being with Sauli had been a solace.

But still, things are probably so much more secure and stable with Roni. When Sauli and Roni eventually move in together, Sauli will still get to live close to all his Finnish friends. Even if Sauli liked what he had with Adam—the close friendship with occasional short periods of intimacy—it doesn't mean that Sauli would want him permanently. Again.

But then, the way Sauli's voice broke down in the recording...

His phone beeps.

It's Danielle.

> _You'd better be home right now and stay there, because I'm coming over and you're not getting away._

He runs his hand down his face. Company would actually be pretty welcome, and he knows he needs to talk to Danielle.

\---

Instead of staying at Adam's, they go to Runyon. Pharaoh is jogging in front of them. It feels better to talk while walking, especially when wearing sunglasses, than having a heart-to-heart facing each other.

”So, you seem to be a mess,” Danielle starts. ”I know you two have been really attached to each other, but honestly Adam, what did you expect to happen? You weren't together.”

”I don't know. I guess in recent years I'd started to think that neither of us would find a partner.” He takes a deep breath and gathers some courage to say it aloud. ”I always... I thought we would some day end up back together.”

”You dumb boy.” Danielle's voice is gentle. ”You can't just expect him to be your back-up lover on standby in case you don't find anyone else.”

He grimaces. ”You make it sound so awful. It wasn't exactly like that. Although maybe it was and I was just fooling myself. But I thought we had been slowly approaching something, before all of this.” Approaching some kind of a turning point maybe, when one of them would say, 'okay, you and me'. But that had never happened. ”Honestly, at this point it's so hard to imagine loving someone who isn't Sauli. I thought we would—you know, grow old together after our restless years. That we would be endgame.”

He looks at the ground as he walks, fighting back those stupid tears.

Danielle's arm snakes around his waist to give a squeeze.

”That didn't work out the way you thought it would,” she says.

”No. He's with Roni now. Roni is probably going to make him happier, and that's what I want for him.”

”Oh, be real, Adam,” Danielle snaps. ”It's like two peas in a pod when you're together. I've seen the way he looks at you. There are boyfriends, and then there is the love of your life.”

”Maybe people who love each other aren't always meant to be together,” he argues back quietly.

”Okay, here's the thing. You only have this one life. Are you really not gonna make the best of it? Have as much love in your life as you can? You're the one who either makes things happen in your life or doesn't. If you want that love, you gotta go for it, and you gotta work hard on it.”

They're both quiet for a long while, and he takes Danielle's hand in his as they walk.

\---

He deliberates for some time, torturing himself with visions of romantic Mexican sunsets and engagement rings, while he listens to songs that pierce his heart.

Someone once said to him, or maybe he heard it somewhere, that if you have a beloved in your life, you really don't know what you've got until it's gone. The words keep ringing in his head now.

As much as he wants Sauli to be happy and thinks there could be true happiness with Roni, he can't let go without telling Sauli.

Sauli can choose whether he wants a promising relationship, or a fuckup like Adam.

He could be ruining Sauli's romantic holiday by bothering him with a message. Evening seems like the worst time, so he waits until morning to send it. Very likely he could be making the biggest idiot of himself. Sauli saying those things on the phone doesn't at all guarantee that he would think it's worth it trying anything with Adam. Not when there's someone else.

> I need you to know that you can choose. Between him and me. I'm yours if you want me. I'm yours anyway.

No fast reply comes.

Choosing Roni might be obvious to Sauli, but the one thing Adam is confident about is that Sauli is kind enough to be gentle about it. He would let Adam down gently.

Right away he wants to send another message, to explain more. To say it might seem like he's only reacting because he's jealous about seeing Sauli and Roni together, but it's not only that, and he can't help it. He'll never get over Sauli either. But he holds himself back, letting Sauli take the lead.

No reply comes at all.

\---

The silence is deafening, and it feels like he's existing in a blur, going through the motions of daily tasks but losing sense of time for long periods. He just lies around, thoughts circling in his head, not bothering to change out of his comfy clothes and not wanting to leave the house or talk to anyone.

Towards the evening he's starting to think he might actually go insane. It's too much to think he'll have to spend the night with increasing certainty that there is no positive outcome for him.

It's late when the doorbell rings, scaring the hell out of him, and he narrowly misses spilling water all over his t-shirt. He knows there aren't many people who have the code for his gate. Even fewer who would show up unannounced.

Before opening the door he looks at the camera, recognising the black cap and curly hair under it. Depending on what Sauli has to say, Adam might faint or throw up, but he opens the door anyway.

Blue eyes lift to meet his.

”I left Roni in Mexico.”

”Oh, thank fuck.”

His legs do feel like they could give up on him, but Sauli steps up to him in an instant, and they stumble back against the wall.

With his arms wound around Sauli he slumps against the wall a bit, and it feels like Sauli is the one holding them up, pushing Adam tightly against the wall.

Face pressed against the tattoo on Sauli's neck, Adam can't do anything but grip him.

”Baby. Baby.” He keeps repeating the word. A tear escapes, wetting Sauli's neck.

Pharaoh is making noises, excited about the action, but for once he gets ignored.

”Fuck, Adam,” Sauli says, kind of exasperated. ”You are making my life so hard. You really couldn't have said anything earlier?”

The words are softened by fingers carding through Adam's hair.

”I'm sorry,” he whispers against Sauli's skin. ”I'm an idiot, and a jealous caveman. I don't want to make your life hard. I want to make your life so, so sweet.” He's hugging Sauli's solid body so hard that it's probably too much.

”Kiss me,” he says and lifts his face to look at Sauli.

Sauli lets his cap drop and Adam gets kissed so softly that at first it's just the faintest brush of lips. Then with a bit more pressure, their lips pressing softly against each other's over and over again, breath mingling. Sauli's hands are cupping Adam's jaw carefully, fingers stroking the beard.

His bare foot slips a little, and grinning at Sauli he lets himself slide down on the floor, pulling Sauli with him.

Sauli laughs and straddles his lap, and they find a comfortable position, face-to-face and wrapped in each other.

”You know,” Adam says, stroking Sauli's cheek with the back of his knuckles. ”You said we're never getting back together...”

”Did I?” Sauli looks puzzled. ”I guess I might have said that at some point.”

Oh, right. That was on the recording. He's not brave enough to risk Sauli's wrath now. Later he'll need to ask for forgiveness.

”Yeah. Why aren't we?”

He looks at Sauli with intentionally wide eyes, going for a cute look, knowing that it's effective.

There's a smile tugging at Sauli's lips.

”I don't know. I can't quite remember anymore. Can you?”

”No.”

Sauli kisses him again, and he opens his mouth hungrily, liquid heat going into his stomach when he slides the tip of his tongue briefly into Sauli's mouth, slick and hot. It makes both of them gasp, but he presses a firm kiss on Sauli's lips, then on his cheek. They don't need to have a hot and heavy makeout session right this second.

"You're mad, though," he says. "Coming here to me. When you had another option."

"I really didn't. The thing is, I love you."

"I love you," he says back, his heart soaring.

”Let go for a second,” Sauli says, and reluctantly Adam loosens his embrace.

Sauli only reaches until he can grab Pharaoh with both hands and lift him to sit on his thigh. Adam moves his arm so he's cradling Pharaoh there against their bodies. Pharaoh looks a little confused but happy to be included in the pile.

Sauli starts petting Adam's hair with one hand, giving little kisses on his forehead and down his temples.

”I love your ears,” Sauli says kissing his earlobe. He's so strange. Adam giggles, a short bright sound in his throat.

”I love your laugh," Sauli adds.

”It's a good thing you make me laugh, then." Happiness is bubbling inside him.

”I love your heart,” Sauli says, and now there's an ache in Adam's chest. This beautiful man on his lap holds his heart in the palm of his hand.

”You and me,” he says.


End file.
